PARIS — France’s UEFA Cup victory sparked nationwide celebrations Sunday night, many of which culminated in small infernos, overturned scooters, and the ceremonial torching of hatchbacks from Lille to Lyon.
In response, the French Ministry of Ecological Transition has issued new guidelines encouraging citizens to switch to electric vehicles—not for sustainability, but for the “cleaner combustion experience during national celebrations.”
“We understand that celebrating victory sometimes means reducing a Renault Clio to a pile of flaming metal,” said Minister Pascal Moreau. “But we must also consider our carbon footprint while doing so.”
Over 300 cars were reported torched, with experts estimating that 40% were at least partially biodegradable. The government now plans to offer rebates for electric cars “with flammable exteriors and eco-conscious upholstery.”
According to initial damage assessments, France has lost 7 city blocks, several bus stops, and one beloved bakery. But morale remains high, and the trophy remains intact, despite someone allegedly trying to set it on fire “for symmetry.”
Witness Reports:
- “Honestly, I didn’t even watch the match,” said Camille Fournier, 29, whose Citroën was found smoldering near a kebab shop. “I just parked too close to joy.”
- “I’m proud of the boys. They played their hearts out,” said Loïc Martin, 34, shirtless and holding a garden hose in front of a blazing Smart car. “Also, this is my cousin’s car. He supports Italy.”
While “every torched 2003 diesel van is a step closer to a cleaner tomorrow”, the Ministry reminds citizens that all matches next year will be followed by “Green Zones,” where only compostable violence will be permitted.