“We’re not saying it’s illegal. We’re just saying time doesn’t work like that.”
Imola, June 2025 – After yet another dominant victory at the Emilia Romagna Grand Prix, Red Bull’s Max Verstappen has left rival Formula 1 teams not just in the dust, but in what they suspect may be an alternate timeline.
Verstappen crossed the finish line a full 27 seconds ahead of his nearest competitor while simultaneously appearing to sip espresso in the paddock and sign a young fan’s forehead mid-race. Suspicious? Ferrari certainly thinks so.
“We checked the car. No NOS, no extra DRS, no suspicious buttons labeled ‘go brrr’,” said one frustrated Mercedes engineer. “We’re left with only one explanation: Verstappen has a warp drive.”
Team Principal Hints at “Spatial Efficiency”
Christian Horner, grinning like someone who’s definitely hiding a micro black hole in his glovebox, dismissed the allegations:
“Max just drives efficiently. Some drivers take corners. Max simply folds space around them.”
Red Bull’s tech division has refused to confirm or deny whether their 2025 RB20 includes components sourced from decommissioned CERN particle accelerators or repurposed time-turners.
However, mechanics were seen wearing radiation goggles and whispering in Dutch about “light cones” and “acceleration paradoxes.”
Paddock Reactions: Mostly Existential
- McLaren issued a statement urging the FIA to ban “whatever theoretical physics Verstappen is exploiting.”
- Alpine reportedly hired a team of theoretical physicists to analyze Verstappen’s telemetry, only to have them resign and join a Zen monastery.
- Haas simply tweeted: “We didn’t even see him. We just heard a whoosh and the national anthem.”
Fans at home were equally baffled. Several reported seeing Verstappen overtake the safety car before it was deployed. Others claim he briefly appeared on their kitchen TVs, asking if 2022 was still going on.
FIA Steps In—Sort Of
The FIA has promised a full investigation, though their official statement included the phrase,
“We don’t currently recognize warp travel in the 2025 regulations, but we’re open to… interpreting the rulebook.”
Insiders say the only thing stopping them from banning it is the lack of a working definition for “chronospatial cheating.”
Meanwhile, Max Responds
When asked about the accusations, Verstappen smiled coolly and said,
“I don’t go faster. I just arrive sooner.”
He then vanished into the Red Bull motorhome, which some say is bigger on the inside.