New York, June 2025 – In a landmark move toward streamlining global ineffectiveness, the United Nations has officially released its new “Strongly Worded Letter” template—hosted on Canva and pre-formatted for rapid deployment in response to literally anything.
UN Secretary-General António Guterres unveiled the template in a press conference that began with a sigh and ended with a PDF.
“We’ve modernized conflict diplomacy,” he said. “Now, you too can condemn global aggression in style.”
Template Features Include:
- A soft blue gradient background to convey regret without aggression.
- Three tone options: Concerned, Gravely Concerned, and Deeply Gravely Concerned.
- A rotating quote carousel with classics like:
- “We urge all parties to exercise maximum restraint.”
- “This escalation must cease immediately, or we may escalate our condemnation.”
- “This is not who we are, or who we sometimes aspire to be.”
- Editable signature section with a dropdown for all Security Council members, plus a special “Insert vague threat here” box.
New Add-Ons Now Available:
💬 Sticker pack: Includes Peace Doves, Frowny-Face Earth, and a Thumbs-Down emoji wrapped in olive branches.
📎 Drag-and-drop hashtags: #CeasefirePlease #UNconcerned #DiplomacyVibesOnly
🎨 Neutral Color Palette Generator: Removes any tone that might imply action.
Global Response: Mostly Shrugging
Diplomats around the world are already praising the move:
- France called it “a tasteful improvement in passive conflict management.”
- India complimented the typeface: “Garamond is a strong yet elegant font for geopolitical dismay.”
- Russia dismissed the tool as “another empty threat,” but still downloaded it “for internal HR purposes.”
Meanwhile, UN interns have been seen feverishly editing the letter live during meetings, adding exclamation marks and bold text “for extra pressure.”
Popular New Variants on the Rise:
- “Strongly Worded Email, CC’ing NATO”
- “Sternly Formatted Google Doc for Peace”
- “Animated Story Condemning Violence (1080×1920 for Instagram Reels)”
Coming Soon: UN Letter Premium
The UN has announced a paid Pro version for G7 nations, featuring:
- A built-in Sanctions Suggestion Wheel™
- AI-powered Denouncement Generator
- And a button that emails the letter directly to a diplomatic spam folder in Moscow or Tehran.
As conflict escalates and missiles fly, the world can rest easy knowing that somewhere, in a minimalist office in Turtle Bay, an assistant under fluorescent lights is adjusting margins on an editable JPEG of global disappointment.
Because when you can’t stop the bombs, at least you can make the condemnation look fabulous.