Berlin, May 2025 – In a political plot twist that even German efficiency couldn’t predict, Friedrich Merz has finally been elected Chancellor of Germany—but only after failing the first time. After the Bundestag gave him a polite “Nein, danke” in round one, Merz returned for round two with more votes, more confidence, and significantly more modesty.
In his first press conference, a triumphant Merz addressed the nation with a straight face and a dramatically over-ironed tie:
“Some chancellors win with one vote. That’s fine. But I needed two. That means twice the legitimacy, twice the strength, and, frankly, twice the leadership. You’re welcome, Germany.”
A Second Chance at First Impressions
While most political figures dread a failed vote of confidence, Merz has spun it into a selling point.
- “Failure? Nein. That was just a warm-up round,” he explained.
- Supporters now brand him as “The Recount Reformer” and “the man who listens… to rejection.”
Insiders claim Merz spent the night between votes calling undecided MPs, promising “a brighter future, balanced budgets, and very tasteful sausage diplomacy.”
Bundestag Bingo: Everyone Gets a Turn
The Bundestag chamber was unusually lively during the second vote, with some MPs reportedly treating it like a pub quiz night.
- The Greens allegedly brought popcorn.
- The AfD tried to vote in old Deutsche Marks.
- The FDP issued a statement demanding all future votes be done via blockchain.
Despite the theatrics, Merz emerged victorious on his second attempt, marking him as the first German chancellor to enter office with more suspense than a Eurovision final.
National Reaction: Mostly Shrugs, Some Applause
The German public greeted Merz’s election with classic national enthusiasm—that is, a 53% approval rating, 27% skepticism, and 20% waiting to see if the trains run on time.
- One Berliner said, “If he keeps the beer cold and the tax office quiet, he can have as many votes as he wants.”
- A Bavarian retiree commented, “In my day, we only needed one vote. But sure, let the man play hard mode.”
What’s Next?
Now firmly (well, moderately) in office, Merz has promised to tackle:
- Germany’s growing energy uncertainty (mostly by turning down the thermostat in Parliament).
- EU integration (with extra footnotes).
- And his personal battle with being called “the CDU’s midlife crisis.”
In an exclusive interview, Merz revealed his leadership philosophy:
“Angela Merkel was elected once and lasted 16 years. I was elected twice in two days—so I should last 32 years, right?”
Whether this math holds up in practice or just in Merz’s imagination remains to be seen. But for now, Germany has a chancellor who believes that second place is just first place with character development.