Berlin, May 2025 — In a move that redefines the concept of punctuality, Deutsche Bahn (DB) has announced that all train delays are now to be officially referred to as “scenic pauses,” framing the country’s failing rail infrastructure as an immersive cultural experience.
“This isn’t a delay,” said DB’s Head of Passenger Psychology, Dr. Anja Schläf. “It’s a chance to reflect on life, embrace uncertainty, and look out the window at wind turbines you’ll pass again in 20 minutes.”
According to DB’s latest press release, every unplanned stop between Hamburg and Munich is now part of the “National Contemplative Rail Network.” Passengers are encouraged to “lean into the unknown” and enjoy the unplanned zen that comes with mechanical failures.
A new marketing campaign—“Your Journey, Just Longer”—has been rolled out across platforms, featuring slow-motion shots of travelers reading expired snack labels at kiosks.
Free Yoga Classes in Train Corridors
In an effort to keep stranded passengers from rioting, DB has introduced onboard mindfulness coaches trained to redirect frustration into breathing exercises and “emotionally sustainable complaining.”
“Most Germans are used to complaining,” said coach Svenja Adler. “Now we just give them a yoga mat and call it a service.”
Eye-Witness Report
Heike M., 42, a commuter from Cologne, described her latest DB journey:
“The train stopped for 45 minutes outside Frankfurt. At first I was furious. Then a man in a linen robe whispered ‘the timetable is an illusion’ and gave me a granola bar. Honestly? I feel centered now.”
Meanwhile, the German government insists that DB’s new approach is a “philosophical realignment, not a service failure.”
When asked if trains will ever run on time again, DB responded:
“They already do. Just not in this dimension.”