BRUSSELS – The EU’s newly launched Chat Control system, designed to scan private messages for illegal content, has made it’s first “high-profile” arrest based on jargon emoji use of underground gangs. Unfortunately it’s not the cyberterrorist they were hoping for.
Eighty-four-year-old knitting champion and church bake sale legend Elsie De Vries is behind bars after sending what she thought was an innocent text to her bridge club: “See you at 7 💋💃🍷🍪🕵️♂️.” The AI saw it differently – classifying it as “planned seduction, substance abuse, and recruitment of an undercover agent.”
“She just meant bring wine and biscuits,” sobbed her daughter. “Now she’s being treated like Pablo Escobar with a pension.”
In an official statement, EU Commissioner for Digital Affairs claimed the arrest “sends a strong message to criminal emoji users,” while privately admitting they “might need to rethink” the algorithm after it also flagged a nun’s prayer group for excessive use of “🙏🔥.”
Meanwhile, Elsie’s supporters are holding candlelight vigils outside Brussels HQ – holding signs reading “FREE NANA” and, ironically, “🕊️💔🍰.”