Berlin, July 2025 — In a stunning reversal of both climate philosophy and personal sweat tolerance, the German government today announced a formal end to its decades-long war on air conditioning.
Chancellor Olaf Scholz appeared in front of a windless rotating fan and declared:
“We now recognize that sweating through linen shirts while sipping lukewarm tap water is no longer a viable national identity. Effective immediately, Germans are allowed to be cool.”
A U-Turn in National Morality
Once described as “a tool of decadent societies who fear mild discomfort,” air conditioners were long seen by Germans as a dangerous import — like American pickup trucks or mayonnaise in coffee.
Instead, Germans have historically relied on cross-ventilation, existential guilt, and the sacred ritual of the Dampftuch (wet washcloth technique) to survive summer.
But with temperatures now regularly flirting with 40°C and Deutsche Bahn offering its own sauna experience on every delayed train, the government admitted it could no longer stand by its “Sweat with Honour” policy.
Transitioning from ‘Stoic Heat Endurance’ to ‘Mild Cooling with Shame’
The Health Ministry will now issue emergency AC permits for households, with a free trial of “Kühle aber Schuld” — an app that cools your room while whispering reminders that polar bears are crying.
“It’s about balance,” said Health Minister Lena Braun. “You can cool down your bedroom, but you must also watch a documentary on the Maldives sinking once a week.”
Green Party Compromise: Air Conditioning Offsets
To maintain ideological purity, the Green Party has introduced air-con offsets. For every kilowatt used, Germans must:
- Plant one tree,
- Apologize to Greta Thunberg via postcard,
- And attend a 90-minute mindfulness session on how to emotionally process melting glaciers.
Public Response: Tepid but Gradually Cooling
Across the country, reactions ranged from disbelief to moderate breeze-fuelled joy.
- In Freiburg, a couple admitted they had secretly run a portable AC unit under a fake compost bin since 2021.
- In Cologne, IKEA reported a 400% increase in sales of LÜFTKÖHL — a chair with built-in, shame-reducing air vents.
- Berlin’s techno clubs announced they would lower interior temperatures by 1.5°C so ravers could sweat less ironically.
Meanwhile, Bavarians were seen high-fiving over beers in newly chilled beer halls, saying:
“We still don’t trust the French, but this AC thing? We’ll admit, it slaps.”
As Europe melts, Germany has finally cracked.
Not from pressure, but from the slow, oozing realization that being comfortable is not necessarily a moral failure.
The age of heat stoicism is over. Let the cooling begin.