Vatican City – The Vatican Museums, home to some of the world’s most treasured religious artifacts, have recently gained another reputation: one of the closest experiences to hell on Earth. With nearly 30,000 visitors daily, packed tighter than a priest’s schedule on Easter Sunday, many tourists are questioning if they’ve mistakenly entered a new circle of Dante’s Inferno instead of a holy sanctuary.
The Vatican has received thousands of complaints, ranging from “being permanently stuck in a German tour group” to “accidentally receiving communion in the form of a stranger’s sweaty elbow”.
“It was a deeply spiritual experience,” said Emily Carter, a pilgrim from Texas. “Mostly because I had to pray for my life as I got shoved through the Sistine Chapel like a cow in a meatpacking plant.”
Another visitor, Jürgen Schmidt from Germany, described his experience in the Raphael Rooms as “a near-death event”. “I was just trying to admire The School of Athens, but then I got body-checked by a group of 87-year-old nuns wielding selfie sticks. I saw a bright light, and I’m still not sure if it was divine or just the emergency exit sign.”
Vatican officials admit there is a problem. “The Vatican is meant to inspire awe, not claustrophobia,” said a spokesperson for the Holy See, speaking over the distant sounds of a screaming tour guide who had been separated from her group. “But what can we do? Turn people away? That wouldn’t be very Christian of us.”
Vatican officials remain at a loss. “This is God’s house,” said one frustrated priest. “But even He might need crowd control at this point.”
As peak tourist season approaches, the Vatican warns visitors to prepare accordingly: bring water, wear comfortable shoes, and accept that the only thing you’ll truly be worshipping is air-conditioning.